I realize we're a week into the new year and I've yet to announce THE WORD. I don't know if you have all been out there, waiting on the edge of your seats, anticipating my announcement, but I kind of felt that pressure in my head. I ALWAYS pick a theme word, right? And so I decided, this year, I don't have anything. No grand plans, no motivation . . . for the first time in a long time a brand new sparkly year dawned and I was just tired. I felt a bit overwhelmed with Marissa's scoliosis diagnosis, I felt a longing to move back, and overall just felt plain lonely again (perhaps a post-holiday withdrawal . . .) I reviewed the fruits of the Spirit, wondering which one I could put extra focus on this year, and thought to myself, "All of them."
Parenting keeps getting trickier. Not to scare anybody off, but as the little people get older and life moves beyond just getting those basic needs provided for you move from being physically bone-tired to MENTALLY bone-tired. You realize you've had a hand in creating five more little sinners and all those little areas that you struggle with, well, now those areas are on display--magnified all humongous with bright lights--for that audience of five. And sometimes I see one of my children do something, or hear that tone, and I just cringe, knowing EXACTLY where they learned it. And sometimes I think, how am I ever going to raise one of these to functioning adulthood, let alone five? (I think that might be the point though, the reason God blessed me with the big family I so wanted . . . to keep me on my knees, keep me humble, and keep me realizing I CAN'T do it. But He can.)
So, I might have been having myself a bit of a pity party--not a great way to begin a new year. That's why I kind of decided it didn't deserve a word and I was too tired to come up with one. And the days crept by silently . . .
But today, the new word hit me full on, FORWARD, taken straight from here:
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching FORWARD to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I can't sit out this round (I'd kind of like to). Must. Keep. Moving. Inside there will always be things I'm having to work through or work around. I don't know what's coming up ahead--to be honest, I have a feeling it's disappointment (I know, so cheerful am I tonight!). But that's why I've got to get my head in the right place. Reach forward. Press on. And that's all I have right now, a word, a heart-prayer, FORWARD.
eleven and lovely
10 months ago