Today I hit 12 weeks, nearing the end of the first trimester. I've had nearly a month and a half to ponder the idea of what a 5th child will mean and bring to our family. I've wondered how many people would think us absolutely crazy. And maybe we are. ;o) But I do know that this little one has been wondered about, considered, and prayed over for nearly a year now. The longing for another one has been there, but the question of "timing" always hung over us. There's no question that life is busy. I do wonder how I can "do it all." And truly there are probably a million different reasons we could come up with as to why "right now" is just not the best time--if Josh made more money, if we had a bigger house, if the kids were a bit older and the boys not so *ahem* "boyish" ;o) . . . I remember once being told by my sister-in-law that if you are always looking for that "perfect" time for another one, you'll just never find it. You can always come up with a reason not to. Which in the end was why it was a decision that got left up to God. And truly, I felt God preparing my heart for a "no" answer, or at least a "not for awhile." I realize how blessed I am with the four He has given me--two girls, two boys--a friend for each. Why mess with something so nice and even? ;o)
I read somewhere awhile back someone's thoughts on the verse "Without faith it is impossible to please God." She was pondering what having faith meant, and her realization was that it's in doing the stuff that stretches her, scares her, and pushes her beyond what she knows she can do on her own. If we live in a little world of our own making, trying to keep ourselves as comfortable as possible, trying to inconvenience ourselves as little as possible, I think we end up missing out. We don't get to see God at work, because we don't give Him the chance. We orchestrate and plan. And then pat ourselves on the back when everything goes according to plan. This is where I was when I started out my twenties, beginning my journey as a wife and mother. It's been in the latter half of those twenties that God has been pushing me out of my comfort zone, out of my preconceived notions and plans, and leaving me simply with Him and and His provision. It's been rather painful, I will admit, but it is by far a much better place to be. And so this little baby is a little bit of a leap of faith. I don't know how I'm going to manage another pregnancy while caring for four children and homeschooling. I know others have done it before me, but I don't know what it will look like for me. I'm already dreading having to climb up onto the girls' top bunk during the last trimester and change sheets. I don't know what life will look like with a new baby to care for. I'm not quite sure how the carseats/boosters will all configure in the van. ;o) There are a lot of unknowns. BUT I have a God who has it all figured out, therefore I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!!! And that is so thrilling and freeing. I know without a doubt that "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They shall not be ashamed, when they speak with their enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5 And really, that's all I need to know.
Each baby that has been welcomed home has brought with it adjustment, a little bit more of "dying to self", learning to be more organized, more efficient, etc. Truly, these children push me beyond myself and leave me always reaching for more, striving for growth. I welcome that. I think I would get far too lazy without having them urging me on. And so a part of me is up for the challenge.
But that other part that's a bit scared? She finally recognizes there is a God who is orchestrating everything for her good. And that is a very happy place to be. I just want to cherish this pregnancy, enjoy it, be thankful for "now" because there is a very good chance this will be the last time. And that in and of itself is very bittersweet. How very, very thankful I am for the opportunity to do it once more.
pretending and getting real
5 weeks ago